I miss so many people right now. It's as if everyone left at one collective time. This is no time to be feeling sentimental neither, what with finals coming up next week. My to-do list is filled to the brim with shit I have to do for class, financial aid, and work, but the more I look at it, the less I want to do much of it. Deliberately trying to sleep more than being awake is not working anymore, since sleeping comes with difficulty anways. It is so...damn...hard to concentrate. My heart actually physically hurts. Is this a bad thing?

It's occured to me that I don't think I reached full potential in school this semester; never have I felt such lack of motivation. Pluhh. Nothing felt worth doing, nothing was a worthy use of time. Which is why I'll be greatful for a break this summer, if I don't gotta be in summer classes.

Spi's pop is stationed at the house again, doing repairs as well as construction. If things go well, I might have a room soon. Still slowly moving away from dad, I guess...just need my furniture and some more art pieces, and I'm outta there. What sucks is that I can't take my damn piano with me. I haven't played in some time.

Better get some homework done before I try to avoid it.









"But it don't stop me from tryin' to be.."

--MURPHY--

The holidays are taking its toll on Kentucky's crowd, causing even the most soft-hearted of folks to become unreasonable, flipping off passing guests in the parking lots, causing fights for the biggest, best, better, breakable toy for a spoiled bag of microwaved brain cells waiting at home trying to comprehend Elmo.

There are a lot of feelings centered here in this state that I don't think I will be able to part with--close friends, family, some weird spiritual bond, and something else without a name. I've had three offers to move to California, and it's sad, but I don't think I can accept any of them. I know plenty of people out there, but something would not set right with me if I did move out there. I stay where I can be of service to something, namely...and for some time now, that's going to be within the east coast. Due to it, I feel nothing short of disgustingly useless lately. Granted, it's dead-up lonely over here. Even in a room full of warm bodies, there's a substantial cloud of forced isolation. I say this as I look at dad and Marcy, Jennifer and Ken. My creed says all I'm permitted to do it hide under the top-hat, behind a smoldering cigarette holder.

With all of the inner family conflict (both blood and adopted), Christmas leaves me cold, and not the pleasing face-down in the snow sort of way. It's like cuddling up to a blanket full of holes; there is substance there, but you can't get warm enough from it. Commercialism at its best, ladies, gentlemen. I do hope that everyone out there has something decent of it. Enjoy your friends, your family, make something useful of the time.

You'll excuse me, I'm trying to relearn how to type. Watching "Colorful" has caused me to loose typing points.

Quick side-note to Colonel Schultz: I apologize for everything I've ever said, and for all of the help you've administered to me. Here's a ticket for one hundred "I'm sorry"'s.





Happy whatever-it-is-you-celebrate, guys. Me and my three glasses of wine are going to go walk in circles until I loose oxygen...then we're going to have a pajama party. You can come too...if you bring comic books and marshmellows. *shifty glance*









"Even though I know it won't work out in the long run..."

Murphy